Once I’m in, there’ll be no stopping me and, unless I read this back to find the words “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” repeatedly, I’d say I’ve made it past border security. Little did I know that my ghost writer has paid a visit and crafted me what looks suspiciously like an opening. Is there an antidote I can guzzle, a vial of slurp that can assist in redressing the balance? I’m open to pretty much every kind of suggestion other than alien probing and even that is beginning to appeal over sitting here in front of a blank screen, scrambling for morsels. This is a desperate state of affairs and I feel rather hard done by that, organ by organ, my entire body is rapidly switching allegiances. Crazy Ralph was right, I’m doomed! I’m all doomed! What now? Type with my toes? Do an Ash and saw both my arms off up to the elbows before changing my pseudonym from Keeper to Thumper? Maybe I can find myself a secretary to dictate to, although my tongue appears to have gotten wind of the mutiny and has swollen up to the size of a pig’s trotter. The problem is, it’s those same fingers tapping delete, and they appear to be in cahoots with my top box. Perhaps my fingers will lead the way and that is precisely why I’m writing this now. However, when it’s your mind that’s got you hamstrung, it’s time to start thinking of that plan B. So what do I do? Well I’ve heard all about mind over matter and this would appear the ideal time to put that into practise. It’s every writer’s very worst nightmare and the literary equivalent of wet-tail that moment when inspiration thoroughly eludes you and the mental bailiffs come rushing in to confiscate your furnishings. You see, they fail me right now, and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to finish a solitary sentence without hitting backspace. I promise I’ll have them straight back to you and will even give them a polish up before the handover. Dexy’s Midnight Runners “Come On Eileen”Īnyone know where I can find some words? Just a couple of thousand should keep me ticking over for the time being.
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